Valentines Day

The Dreaded Love Apocalypse (V-Day)

            Every year for as long as… forever ago, Valentine’s Day has always been sort of a ‘big’ deal. Well, maybe not to little boys but as a girl, we competed to have the ‘coolest’ or the ‘cutest’ Valentine cards/candy of the class or at least we got a little jealous of the other kids who got the better candy…

Don’t lie; you at least had a big enough Valentine box so that you can have more room for all the candy, cards, and/or candy-grams. Oh gosh, candy-grams… Still none for Gretchen Wieners.  Boo, you wh_re. You deserve it for telling everyone about your friend’s nose job.

Back to the rant at hand, Valentine’s Day hasn’t changed much; the stakes are just higher now. “Ohmygosh, I don’t have a boyfriend. #SingleAwarenessDay!” “Oh sh_t, I forgot to make reservations at that restaurant.” “My boyfriend better have the best date planned or I’m dumping him.”

Everyone, calm down. Seriously, why so serious? We all know how the day ends: It either ends with…

  • Depression: Finally grasping the concept that Cupid worked twice as hard to not hit you this year like always.
  • Last minute reservations: Horrible seating, very late dinners, failed attempts to sneak the host a twenty, etc.
  • Heartbreak: Enough said.
  • Crying: Good or bad.
  • A raise for everyone in the condom business. (Only 97ish% effective, which explains November babies…)
  • Or fireworks. Literally or metaphorically or both.

No matter what the conclusion of the night is, only one thing is for sure. HALF OFF CHOCOLATES the next day. And that is all that really matters.

  • Depressed? Eat your feelings.
  • Lost an extra twenty? Here, make up for it.
  • Heartbreak, crying? Keep eating your feelings.
  •  A raise?! Buy more of a variety of candy.
  • Fireworks? … Just get some candy anyways.  

(Seriously though, it’s time to stock up. The next one isn’t until after Easter.)

Valentine’s Day is never going to go away. Just make the best of the day. You’re single? Go grab some other single friends and go to dinner, make a single’s party, or go to dinner by yourself. Who’s going to love you more than you? So what if people stare, at least you don’t have to pay for an extra person. You can also laugh at the poor people trying to slip the host some money and fail.

If you’re taken and you can’t think of something to do, just make sure you’ll both enjoy it. It doesn’t have to be a fancy dinner at the most expensive restaurant. A home-cooked meal with some candles and a single rose in the middle can be more romantic and wayy cheaper. Just don’t forget to throw out the take out boxes instead of stashing it under the sink.

I’m just saying; don’t dread the day, grab your own bow and arrows and make the most of it. It’ll be totally fetch if you believe that it will be.


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